Friday, January 1, 2010

2010 - The Year of the PHEONIX

I’m here sitting in the “French Kiss” apartment my mother & I rented for our 10 days here in Paris, France. Last night we spent ringing in the New Year at Champ Elysees & then to The Sacred Coeur (Sacred Heart of Christ) looking over Paris with about 50,000 people. We finished a bottle of Champagne (which was given to us by the owners of French Kiss). It was beautiful and perfect. People brought their own fireworks, we popped open the bottle and walked the streets of Montmartre until 3am. Today most stores and restaurants are closed. So we had a nice day sleeping in until 1:30pm and cooking here at the apartment. I feel so blessed to have accomplished so much this year and to have been able to come to Paris with my mom for X-mas and NYE.

WHAT I LEARNED IN 2009 & WHAT I'M TAKING WITH ME INTO 2010:
  • Biggest lesson: You don’t always get what you want, But God always provides you with what you NEED. This was shown through so much of what I thought was best for me: Living with my dad for free, my relationship with my ex & the Improv troupe, hobofish. All three were things I thought I wanted, things I thought were going to help me in some way…but in the end God knew best. Things I originally thought were going to be blessings but were necessary to create space in my life for the things i REALLY needed: A New Home, Creation through Solo Performance & focusing on Self-Love.
  • Don’t allow other people’s projections, guilt or judgments affect who you are or how you see yourself. This one is pretty self-explanatory. I mean you’d think I’d know this already. But this is something that was the hardest to "Let go & Let God". What helped me in this, was reading the book "Changes That Heal" by Dr. Henry Cloud.
  • TRUST your instincts! This comes up everytime I think about my ex…and how I felt about him when we first started dating. I didn’t listen to myself, instead I allowed my fantasies to get the best of me. In the end, I learned that people shouldn’t change because they want to make someone else happy, they should change to make themselves happy. Or else that change won't stick.
  • Release Blame! Let go of blaming people and circumstances of "your" dilemma. In another really good book, by Rev. Micheal Bernard Beckwith, he states "Give up your blame stories in order to be empowered and in order to understand your responsibilities." And when you find yourself playing the blame game, forgive. "ALL Forgiveness is self-forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't about forgetting about what happened and trying to like a certain person again. Forgiveness is eliminating toxicity from yourself & your life. In truth, you may never like that person again. But in the end you will not be giving them power over you."
  • A lesson that I’m having to remind myself everyday: Happiness and True Love isn’t about finding it in a significant other…it’s about finding it in YOURSELF! And having enough love for yourself that you forgive yourself for past mistakes, hurts, pains, tribulations. Instead, Learn and grow from them. And eventually, with that self-love you will be able to give that love away to others around you.

WHO I AM NOW:
Victim NO more! I’m on this journey now to rediscover myself, rebirthing my identity. Unlearning so much and like a phoenix…rising out of the ashes. This is what it feels like for 2010. I’m rising.

I’ve also allowed myself to get out of my comfort zones and be the CREATOR of my own future and of my career. Writing more and more. Producing a January solo show now with Off Market Theater. And acting and writing in my own One Woman Show. I’ve also started on my 3rd show, which is about my grandma Encar. I only have 25 minutes thus far…but this is a project that I’ve been wanting to start since grandma was first diagnosed with Dementia back in 2006. And now I’m doing it!

I’m listening to myself now, trusting my own instincts and listening less and less to what people think I should be doing or saying or focusing on. So starting my New Year, in the “City of Lights” and the “City of Love” is a perfect and fitting way to move on…from out of the shadows. I feel so blessed and rejuvenated. I feel like there is nothing I can’t accomplish. And going to the Victor Hugo museum, I felt inspired…Victor Hugo was an artist with a lot to say. An artist with something important to say. That could touch the poor, the rich, the everyday person and in turn inspire change. Something I hope to accomplish in my life time through my work.

Happy 2010 people, I hope you get free from your comfort zones and embrace the unlimited possibilities that are ready to unfold in your life!